I love you.

My parents considered naming me Isobel.  At least, that is the story I heard.  Most people I tell that to say it would have really suited me (except for the Izzy part – nobody likes that).  Which started me thinking about names and how we often seem to be what we are named.  One of the first things I ask a person when I’m getting to know them is what is their middle name?  I am so fascinated by names.  I also think about other people I have known with their name – are there similarities in looks, temperament, personality?  Generally, the answer is yes to a certain degree.  For instance, I have never met a Chris who was unattractive – oops I take that back, of all the Chris’s I’ve ever met only one was unattractive, and I’ve known a lot of Chris’s – they also tend to be blond (or dirty blond at any rate). 

Which reminds me of a game most young women play – the name game.  If you had a child what would you name it?  Since childhood my answers have not much wavered.  For a male child it’s always been one of the following:  Chris, Paul, Matthew, or my favorite, Keith.  For a female there was always the caveat that the initials must be M.J. just as my mother’s and mine are.  The ‘J’ part is easy;  Janine.  I have always loved that name.  The ‘M’ part is more difficult.  Perhaps Marlena after my Mum ( I should add that my family has a tradition of ‘going’ by their middle names).  I also like Marilyn, and Marla.  A friend once suggested another name which was quite lovely and full of sentiment, but it was foreign and I cannot recall how to spell it (nor have I ever heard it said).  Unfortunately, he won’t tell me again so that one may be off the table.

I could go on and on about girly name games.  We had one in which we combined our first names with the last names of guys we hoped to marry (isn’t that one of the first things you do ladies when you think there’s a possibility you might marry someone?).  In childhood it was always the name of a celebrity.  Since I had a huge crush on Matt Dillon my name would have been Jill Dillon.  And thus it began – the horrible realization that my name goes with virtually nothing. 

Of all my boyfriends, not one of their names went well with mine.  Mostly because their names were one syllable.  I need at least two – which is ironic considering my own last name has only one – but that is obviously a fluke.  Who knows, if I ever get married again maybe I won’t take the guy’s last name.  I certainly didn’t the last time even though it was one time it actually would have sounded okay!

Ahhhh.  Well I awakened this morning with the sense of closure ringing in my ears.  I’ve decided that today is the first day of the rest of my life and the past is the past.  There’s much to look forward to:  the visit from a cherished friend, the holidays, my birthday, the whole wonderful future.

At one point I thought I was going to get married at the age of 40.  I didn’t know to whom, I just always thought that 40 would be the year.  Seemed like a good idea – better late than never….but that was just a psychic premonition – and frankly my psychic premonitions ain’t so accurate!  Next month I turn 40 so it will be interesting to see what happens in that long-anticipated year.

I refuse to be sad about the past any longer.  It’s a pointless waste of time.  Now I move forward.  And to mark this special event, my landlord is doing repairs on my apartment today. 

Who could ask for anything more?

You know when people have a song that they share?  Or when one person has a song that always reminds them of the other….I used to think that was so silly – I found it vaguely embarrassing for all concerned…Just as I know I’ll someday look back at this post and find it embarrassing.  But right now, I don’t care – a very dear friend likened this song to his love for me and that was a wonderful thing….

I love to look into your big brown eyes
They talk to me and seem to hypnotize
You say the things nobody dares to say
And I’m not about to let you fly away
My lover with no jet lag
Stayin up all night in the sleepin bag
You got a heart-beatin rhythm from the subterrain
I really love you little girl, I don’t need to explain
I love you cause your deuces are wild, girl
Like a double shot of lovin so fine
I been lovin you since you was a child, girl
cause you and me is two of a kind
Like deja vu I feel like I’ve been here
Or somewhere else but you’ve been always near
It’s you that’s in my dreams I’m beggin for
But I woke up when someone slammed the door
So hard I fell out of bed
Screamin mamas little baby loves shortnin bread
And the moral of the story, I can testify
I get stoned on you girl, that’s the best reason why

I wanted to write this before the day is over.  It is 11:50pm where I am writing this on Sept. 10th, 2007.  Well, actually now it’s 11:51pm.  Anyways, I just wanted to mark this special occasion for myself.  This has been one of the worst days of my life.  One of the most life-changing to be sure.  My life could have gone down two very divergent roads today (and let’s not get into a metaphysical argument about that – let’s just assume I’m not being completely literal).  My life did go down one of the roads.  Unfortunately, it appears to be the dark and scary road.  I don’t want to get into the specifics of what happened because then I would feel even worse – seeing it in black and white. 

Sometimes I just don’t know how one even goes on when one feels this terrible.  But I shan’t be selfish forever – many people have felt much worse.  I just don’t think God or whomever should give us things and then take them away.  I should take ownership of the loss but I don’t. 

I’m still in the dazed and confused stage. 

1.  Chris Cummins

2.  Scott Sanford

3.  Kristen Barnoski

4.  Eugene Darling (Gene Darling)

5.  Chris Gorman

6.  Lori Ling

7.  Kim Barnes

8.  Samantha Leigh

9.  Bob Pakulski

10.  Donna Lamson

11.  Joey Grenier

12.  Zsolt Hemsley

It is the evening of the day
I sit and watch the children play
Smiling faces I can see
But not for me
I sit and watch
As tears go by

My riches can’t buy everything
I want to hear the children sing
All I hear is the sound
Of rain falling on the ground
I sit and watch
As tears go by

It is the evening of the day
I sit and watch the children play
Doin’ things I used to do
They think are new
I sit and watch
As tears go by

(M. Jagger, K. Richards)

I just gave my poor landlord a list of the things that are wrong with my apartment.  I’m one of those tenants who like to save up all the problems and then tell it to them all at one time.  That way, they can come in and make the repairs all at once and my cats are less traumatized. 

I told the landlord yesterday that I had warned the cats that the repairman was coming in (because I thought he was) and the landlord said they wouldn’t be in until today.  At that point he looked at me funny and imitated me talking to my cats.  This was amusing and we laughed, while secretly thinking private thoughts (his no doubt concerning the mental health of the ‘cat lady’).  So, today is the day that they come in and assess what can be done.  Yay.  I’ll be sure to warn the cats.

I’m going through and emotional crisis greater than any I have ever known.  My parents wouldn’t be thrilled to hear it as they are not fond of the source of my anxiety. 

There are many things to consider in matters of the heart.  I used to think that when the time came to make a commitment, it would be an easy choice.  There would be no self-doubt, no worrying about the future, nothing but happiness and everything falling into place.  But it’s not like that at all – at least not for me.  For me it’s all negative and no positive. 

I was given a choice – and it was all or nothing.  I chose nothing, but part of me is now in agony – completely convinced that I made the worst decision of my life.  And how ironic would that be – finally choosing to not be with someone and it’s the wrong decision, when every other time I chose to be with someone and that was the wrong decision. 

I am so confused and it’s not like me to air my dirty laundry, but I figured an explanation was in order for anything weird I might say, or do in the near future (like this post ha ha).  I am not sleeping well, I’m not thinking well, and I’m just plain miserable.

There are two kinds of people who use Messenger – those who are ‘there’ all the time, and those who sign-on when they are there.  I used to be the latter, and then a friend convinced me to be the former.  That was about 2 years ago.  Now I’m starting to wonder why I’m doing it.  I’m rarely ‘there’ when signed-on so what’s the point?  Messages will be delivered to me the next time I sign on (so they say).  Plus my computer runs much better without Messenger being on.  Add to this the fact that my friend recently decided to no longer use Messenger when he’s not at work, and most of my other friends can just be called on the phone….well the choice is obvious.  So I’ll leave it to the fates to decide if we’ll meet up in Messenger (for those of you in Europe I still really enjoy our chats but we’ll have to just hope for the best – the time difference being what it is).  Doug, I’ll try to catch you on a specific time either Saturdays or Sundays.  Just send me an email close to the end of the week and I’ll be sure to find you…